The Admonishments of Kherishdar
M.C.A. Hogarth

PERVERSION

bikun [ BEE koon ], (noun) — the inability to form deep attachments to those who are capable of returning one's feelings.

      He followed me as I walked from room to room; I knew what I would find and yet I felt compelled to look. The cages stood empty. The pen had been dismantled. Even the net over the garden had been removed. I looked at the circle of sky, so bright, so exposed. My knees weakened, dropping me onto the stone bench.
      I did not have the courage to look at the priest, though I knew he was there, at the garden door.
      "It's over, isn't it," I whispered. "My life."
      After a long pause, he said, "The life you knew, yes."
      I covered my face with my hands.
      "Tell me," Shame said after a quiet filled only by the wind. "Why?"
      "They never asked of me anything I couldn't give," I whispered. "Food, shelter. A kind hand, a gentle voice. But... but not more than that."
      He didn't answer. When I looked up, he was gone.
      I expected Correction, for my sin had been... extreme. If they'd thought I'd gotten medical care to the beasts before the people because I'd been absent-minded or irresponsible, I might have earned some largesse. But having entered my home, they would have known. It had not been an accident, that I'd seen to the creatures first. I was sick. I preferred animals to people.
      I had kept pets.
      For days no one came for me, leaving me to my empty house. When the Guardians finally arrived I was almost glad. I wanted it to be done with. I couldn't imagine any life I'd be willing to live, but the waiting was hard, too hard.
      So they took me away and I went, exhausted. I expected... well, the Bleak, frankly.
      I ended up in a Regal household.
      Standing before a door, an elegant Ai-Naidari asked, "Are you sure about this?" I didn't recognize her; we were all the way on Third World.
      "Yes," Shame said. To me, he said, "Go on."
      I stepped through the door, scattering the people in the room, like birds, exactly like nervous birds. I stilled myself and they settled. They were... oh, gods! They were beautiful. And silent. And nude. I was in the fathriked's quarters. Turning, I looked to Shame.
      "Your new charges," he said. "Ward them well." And then left, closing the door behind him.
      I was staggered. He had found me a perfect place, with people who would never ask of me more than I could give: food, shelter, a kind hand, a gentle voice. And yet... I was here and not in the Bleak: beyond reform, beyond Correction. He had judged me. I would never, ever be normal.
      But he had made sure I would be content.
      I sat amid beauty and silence and wept... but then I dried my eyes, and went to work.


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© 2007, M. C. A. Hogarth